“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Antique ... or made to just look that way?
Thursday, June 16, 2016

So I say to the lady from Craigslist: "Is this really an antique chair? I mean, it doesn't look that old."
She says: "I think so."
Ad: "I'll give you $50 instead of $100."
Lady: "Uhm. Okay."

I take it home to reupholster the seat, and this is what I find beneath the fabric:

Horsehair and hay and grass.

I'm no furniture expert. But I'm thinking this is antique!

How short should grown men's shorts be?
Tuesday, May 24, 2016

To this day, a blog I wrote more than five years ago about the length of men's shorts continues to be the  most-read blog post at adhudler.com. Obviously, there's some confusion on the matter, and guys (or their wives) are looking for advice.

At the time, I said that grown men over the age of thirty should not be wearing the rapper-length shorts that almost look like baggy capris. (If they did so, they looked like they were trying to emulate their sons, trying to appear younger.) Grown men, especially we suburban men, could wear chino shorts that were cut above the knee. And we did -- that's exactly what we wore -- and our sons and daughters teased us about our hairy, exposed thighs. If you saw a man wearing above-the-knee shorts you knew he was over thirty, certainly over forty. But we were cool in hot weather and we went about our way.

Turn to today: A friend of mine came by for a visit this week. I opened the door, wearing shorts -- and she said, "Oh! You're wearing boy shorts!"

Yep...some time over the past two years -- and I witnessed this as a mega-hotel concierge -- the length of young men's shorts crept above the knee. Mid-thigh, actually. And now I look like I'm trying to dress young!

Oh, well ... fashion is fickle, and some day young men will be wearing those stupid-looking rapper shorts once again... and I, wearing my mid-thigh Lands End chinos, will be the subject of laughter.

Bring it on, boys!

Nashville Bachelorette Scene #52
Friday, May 13, 2016

As I work with designers and editors to get my first Nashville-based novel out to the world -- title: "Cashville" -- I'm going to start sharing little scenes from the work in progress. This one shows a group of singer-songwriters cringing as a rowdy bachelorette party invades their favorite bar:

Suddenly, the doors burst open. Along with a blast of humid air blew in a cacophony of drunken women’s voices …
           “Ohmygod it’s so humid!” … “I’m so hungry!” … “I gotta pee! You guys! I gotta pee!” … “Okay, go pee!” … “Where’s the hostess? I mean, is this place even open?”
            The group of musicians sat, stone-still and quiet, like rodents trying to avoid detection from birds of prey.
            The waitresses pushed three tables together to accommodate the ladies.
            Gwendolyn had been counting. “Twenty-nine of them!” she said. “That just defies logic. Think of the logistics they’ve been battling with all weekend just to eat. Who in hell would travel in a group that large?”
           The musicians did their best to ignore the girls, but as the three rounds of tequila shots began to take effect the volume and pitch of the girls’ voices began swelling. It got worse when they broke into several different conversation clusters. All it took was one loud girl to push a domino effect into play: the girls next to her, unable to hear her own conversation, would start talking louder, and then the girls next to those girls would have to talk even louder, and so on and so on. And, then, someone, feeling uncomfortably too much like a wallflower, would feel the need to turn the stoplight on herself with an exclamation designed to climb atop every conversation in the room: “Oh! My! God!” … “Waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!” … “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH!” And then every conversation would ratchet up one notch louder.
          Gwendolyn shook her head. “They sound like mad turkeys in a tin shed,” she said.

Presenting: The Elevator Pitch for my next book!
Thursday, April 7, 2016

Cash Reynolds is a jaded, Hipster bellman at the Cumberland Plaza Hotel in downtown Nashville, and when he gets fired for sleeping with the guests for money he starts a company – NashvilleGirlfriendWeekend.com – that proves to be the genesis of Music City’s unraveling.

While Cash is getting rich, the city’s crowds of women grow bigger and crazier. They dance on tables in restaurants and have sex in elevators. They leave trails of “penis glitter” all around town. Realizing that bottomless mimosas are replacing the music as the true draw to their city, the singer-songwriters of Nashville organize and begin to fight back. And just when you think they’ve lost the battle, in comes Clay Allen, seven-time Grammy winner and old-school country artist, who is yanked out of his retirement and drunken stupor by the arrival of TMZ in his once-quiet city.

Meanwhile, the mayor of Oklahoma City, sensing opportunity, moves in to seize from Nashville the title of Country Music Capital of the World.  The people of Nashville band together with their nemesis to conjure up an idea that will save their city and change tourism forever.

Stop calling ... or else!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Though I've lived in Nashville for nearly five years I still have my cell number from Fort Myers. Now and then, someone from southwest Florida will call me mistakenly ... and they usually hang up and leave no message. 

Well....Mr./Ms. 239-494-3123 will not stop calling me. He/she has called about a half dozen times, even though I've identified myself via text after each call.

Today, this was my response:

Stop calling me or I will begin texting you pornographic images of myself that you will never be able to erase from your mind.

Sanitized for your protection
Wednesday, March 16, 2016

'Found this in our Florida motel room a few weeks ago:

New in hospitality:
As the sign promises, "Making your world a CLEAN WORLD. The CLEAN REMOTE has been designed specifically to make it easy to clean and disinfect. This is just another of our many efforts to ensure ... A MORE COMFORTABLE STAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY."

Kind of reminds me of this:

I feel very safe and ... clean.
Which reminds me of Mr. Clean.
Which reminds me of the year I wanted to dress up as Mr. Clean for Halloween ... although my muffin top made this impossible because Mr. Clean is FIT.
I went to Dillards and asked, "Do they have anything like Spanx for guys?"
Said the male sales clerk: "Man Spanx! I've got some on right now!"
I tried them on. It took me nearly ten minutes to get out of them. It did hide my muffin top. It also bruised my kidneys.
"Are you okay in there?" yelled the clerk over the transom of the dressing room.
I never put them on again.
Until my biometric screening at work this past year, when I knew they'd be measuring my waist.
I passed with flying colors ... though my boss failed his biometric measurement.
"You need one of these," I said, unbuttoning my shirt to reveal my secret.

Life Lesson in Consumerism #443378R45
Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Sign that you picked the wrong toilet paper:

Beyond sheer.
And, since I bought it at Costco, we'll run out of it in ... oh ... nineteen months or so. 
A word of advice for future Hudler-household guests: BYOTP