Presenting: The Elevator Pitch for my next book!
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Cash Reynolds is a jaded, Hipster bellman at the Cumberland
Plaza Hotel in downtown Nashville, and when he gets fired for sleeping with the
guests for money he starts a company – NashvilleGirlfriendWeekend.com – that
proves to be the genesis of Music City’s unraveling.
While Cash is getting rich, the city’s crowds of women grow bigger
and crazier. They dance on tables in restaurants and have sex in elevators.
They leave trails of “penis glitter” all around town. Realizing that bottomless
mimosas are replacing the music as the true draw to their city, the
singer-songwriters of Nashville organize and begin to fight back. And just when
you think they’ve lost the battle, in comes Clay Allen, seven-time Grammy
winner and old-school country artist, who is yanked out of his retirement and drunken
stupor by the arrival of TMZ in his once-quiet city.
Meanwhile, the mayor of Oklahoma City, sensing opportunity,
moves in to seize from Nashville the title of Country Music Capital of the
The people of Nashville band
together with their nemesis to conjure up an idea that will save their city and
change tourism forever.
Stop calling ... or else!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Though I've lived in Nashville for nearly five years I still have my cell number from Fort Myers. Now and then, someone from southwest Florida will call me mistakenly ... and they usually hang up and leave no message.
Well....Mr./Ms. 239-494-3123 will not stop calling me. He/she has called about a half dozen times, even though I've identified myself via text after each call.
Today, this was my response:
Stop calling me or I will begin texting you pornographic images of myself that you will never be able to erase from your mind.
Sanitized for your protection
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
'Found this in our Florida motel room a few weeks ago:
New in hospitality:
As the sign promises, "Making your world a CLEAN WORLD. The CLEAN REMOTE has been designed specifically to make it easy to clean and disinfect. This is just another of our many efforts to ensure ... A MORE COMFORTABLE STAY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY."
Kind of reminds me of this:
I feel very safe and ... clean.
Which reminds me of Mr. Clean.
Which reminds me of the year I wanted to dress up as Mr. Clean for Halloween ... although my muffin top made this impossible because Mr. Clean is FIT.
I went to Dillards and asked, "Do they have anything like Spanx for guys?"
Said the male sales clerk: "Man Spanx! I've got some on right now!"
I tried them on. It took me nearly ten minutes to get out of them. It did hide my muffin top. It also bruised my kidneys.
"Are you okay in there?" yelled the clerk over the transom of the dressing room.
I never put them on again.
Until my biometric screening at work this past year, when I knew they'd be measuring my waist.
I passed with flying colors ... though my boss failed his biometric measurement.
"You need one of these," I said, unbuttoning my shirt to reveal my secret.
Life Lesson in Consumerism #443378R45
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Sign that you picked the wrong toilet paper:
And, since I bought it at Costco, we'll run out of it in ... oh ... nineteen months or so.
A word of advice for future Hudler-household guests: BYOTP
Houskeeping Secret #554R2: How to clean crystal glassware
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
My wife and I like to entertain, and, being Southerners for most of our adult lives, we like to do it up right. This means crystal glassware, of course.
Problem: streaking due to hand-washing. (There's always some microscopic bit of grease in there somewhere!)
Solution: dissolvable dishwasher pods.
As the sink fills with warm water hold one of the pods under the running water. A very-cool thing happens: the plastic melts, and the pod of liquid and powder dissolves right before your eyes. Let your young children do this part for you -- it's that cool!
Wash and rinse as normal. The water feels very slippery, so be careful with that crystal, but you will have absolutely no streaks in your glassware.
Linc Menner, protagonist of Househusband, would be proud!
Lost in translation?
Thursday, January 7, 2016
'Just saw this ad that promotes tourism in Equador:
On one hand, clever: using the interesting hide of an alligator to suggest the earth's topography. On the other hand ... isn't it a little scary?
... inviting someone to come romp through your lovely country that could, at any second, turn on you and eat you up?
Unpredictable dictators, dengue fever, anacondas, hungry natives ...
Oh, the metaphors!
Wanda, Me, and The Reluctant Ice-maker
Friday, July 17, 2015
We have an automatic ice maker in the 'fridge that is either lazy or stupid. Twice we've had to get it replaced because it would stop making ice for long periods of time. For several days there would be no ice at all and then ..... clatterclatterkerplunkfssshhhhhh
WHOA THERE! ... Yes! ... It's awake!!!! ... look at this CORNUCOPIA of ice!!!
And then, inexplicably, it would stop again. Sometimes it would work for an hour. Sometimes for a week.
Ice is a big deal in our house because cocktails are a big deal. So I bought three ice-cube trays as a backup. Now ... here's the odd part: Whenever we give up on the machine and start using ice trays, then she (he?) decides to kick in and start making ice, as if rising to a challenge.
We've even started trash-talking him/her to egg him/her on: "We don't even need you. We LIKE the tray ice cubes better because they're bigger."
My mother-in-law's spirit having fun with me?
Is that you?
Are you trying to tell me I'm drinking too much?