“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Underwear Wars: Chapter 2
Thursday, August 28, 2008

I promised that I would introduce you all to Dr. Blunt, my friend and colleague known for his flesh-penetrating candor. He has retired to a cabin on the North Dakota-Canadian border, but he graciously agreed to weigh in on the underwear-drawer question posed yesterday: What type of people fold and sort their underwear, and what type of people simply dump them into a drawer?

Ad: Welcome, Dr. Blunt. I haven't spoken with you since my trek across your lovely rectangular state earlier this summer. Let's first talk about the underwear dumpers, shall we?

Dr. Blunt: "Alright, then ... Now there will be exceptions, of course, but the dumpers, I believe are happier people in general. The dumpers have better sex lives and more open relationships with their children. If they drop something and it falls to the floor and rolls under the sofa, it will likely stay there until they move or the house burns down. Dumpers are less threatened by ethnic-design in their furniture. Also, unlike the underwear folders, they don't demand resolution and full, happy endings in the movies they watch and the books they read. It's okay if the protagonist dies. ... These people are more likely to share a milkshake with a stranger. Oh, and underwear dumpers are more likely to own cats instead of dogs. Dogs can be controlled, of course, and cats cannot.

Ad: Very interesting. Now let's move to the underwear folders-and-sorters.

Dr. Blunt: Yes, well, there is a much higher chance that these people are in therapy ... I mean, why else would they be grasping for such unimportant acts of unity and order? They're generally wealthier because they have such tight control over their lives and careers. But that focus also leads them to grind their teeth more and unwisely choose futile battles with their teenage children. They also have higher thread-count in their bedsheets. Oh, yes, and I almost forgot, folders-and-sorters do not like flax seed sprinkled on their cereal.

Ad: Very interesting. Now, I want to talk about that cat thing ... I was noticing that ...

Dr. Blunt: Perhaps tomorrow, Ad. It is time for cocktails.

Ad: Well, I am certainly not going to argue with that.


Blogger Ad Hudler said...

A reader sent to my email box: "Folding ones underwear (as well as arranging one's shirts by color and collar) is critically important to the future of civilization. Surely everyone understands this."

And another reader said this: "What about the people that don't have or wear underwear at all? They
probably feel totally left out."

August 29, 2008 at 9:40 AM  

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