“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Excuse me, ma'am, but can you blow into my mouth?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

During my book-tour swing through Jacksonville, my fearless companion Fritz and I were wandering about Jacksonville Landing, which is a mix of restaurants and bars on the St. John's River, downtown. Wanting a cocktail -- it WAS, after all, 4:47 p.m. -- we approached a small mobile bar outside of Hooters. While ordering our drinks (Guess what wonderful clear liquor was in mine.) I noticed a bucket of ice that harbored clear plastic vials filled with either a red or green substance. I picked one up and read the wording on its side: suckandblow.com .

I held it up to the barmaid and gave her a what-the-hell-is-this look.

"It's a Jell-O shot," she explained. "You put one end of the tube in your mouth, and then someone else puts the other end of the tube in his mouth, and he blows while you suck."
Her choice of pronouns made the both of us a little nervous. This contraption, after all, was about the length and girth of the average male's ...

It took Fritz about .00001 of a second to say, "Hey, I've got to try that! ... What's your name?" he asked her.

"Brandi."

"Will you blow while I suck?"

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Sure, why not?"

Fritz unscrewed one end and put it in his mouth. She unscrewed the other and covered it with her lips. Their two faces were no more than six inches apart. It was an odd mix of erotica and Saturday-morning cartoons. I didn't know if I should feel aroused or amused.

"Okay," I said. "Ready! Set! Go!"

The glob of green (or was it red?) disappeared into his mouth, the action reminding me of one of those pressurized toilets that flushes with a shot of air in hopes of conserving water.

Still, someone hadn't done their job: There still was a sizable amount of goo in the tube. Either Fritz didn't suck well enough, or Brandi didn't blow. Maybe she was afraid of hurting him.

Next on the book tour for MAN OF THE HOUSE: My first hometown signing -- 7 p.m. this Thursday at the Barnes and Noble near the Bell Tower Shops in Fort Myers. It should be fun. I'm having friends from my gym dress up in construction gear to greet the guests. I'm also going to read from my book, but the most fun will be the discussion I will moderate with readers. We are going to explore the differences in gender behavior, hopefully coming up with answers to these questions: Which gender backs up, into the trashcan more often? And which gender is more likely to eat a sandwich they've dropped on the sidewalk? Hope to see you there.


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