“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Ants in the pans
Thursday, November 13, 2008

So I invited my Organic-Foodie friend over for dinner, and we were cooking in the kitchen when I noticed an ant crawling on the countertop, which is hard to see because my countertops are black. But I noticed him just the same ... and then another ... and another ... oh, and there was another one, carrying a fleck of oatmeal up the backsplash. The little bastards were camouflaged on the dark countertop, but suddenly I saw an army of them.

I went to my kitchen drawer to retrieve my secret weapon. You know the drawer. Every kitchen has one: the EVERYTHING DRAWER. Here's mine:

Okay, now where is that stuff.....I see yeast and a weather radio, masking tape and hi-liters and tape measures and flashlights and all those power adaptors from long-dead cell phones ... Oh, yes, there you are!!
I plucked my little clear bottle of Terro Ant Killer from the drawer. It is basically borax mixed with sugary sweet stuff, which the little buggers love.
"What are you doing? What is that?" my friend asked.
"Borax."
"Oh, don't use borax in your kitchen! All you need is a little peppermint oil, and you can spread it along the splashboard there where they're walking. And then there's no poison being used."
"And then they'll simply find another place to go," I said. "It's just like putting up a road block. No ... this'll kill em dead! And it's great fun. Watch this."
I poured a dime-size puddle on the counter. Like metal filings around a magnet, they immediately attached themselves and started lapping up the Terro. At this point, when I'm by myself, I start talking to them in my witch-from-Hansel-and-Gretel voice, saying something like, "Yes, my little darlings. Eat all that you want. Yeeeeesssss, isn't that delicious? Now take that poison home to the queen and KILL HER!!! ... Mmmmmmm, isn't that yummy? Yes, my little precious ones ... eat. Eaaaaaaaaaat."
It was very hard keeping this inside my head, but I managed to do so.
$hameful promotion: It's Christmas time, and all of us are feeling poor this year. A thoughtful and cheap present would be a copy of Ad Hudler's newest novel, "Man of the House". Floridians have been loving this book because it is set in the hurricane season of 2005. It's been getting great reviews, and The New York Post called it "required reading." I can inscribe a personalized greeting and sign the book on an adhesive book plate, which I can send to you via the good ol' USPS.
--I'm Ad Hudler, and I support this message.


3 Comments:

Blogger Kathy Grey said...

I'm concerned... why isn't your yeast in the fridge?

November 14, 2008 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger Ad Hudler said...

are you supposed to refrigerate yeast? It's not refrigerated at the grocery store. It's over by the baking goods.

November 14, 2008 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger Kathy Grey said...

I came from New England. We're cold sons-a-guns, and so we either chill everything or cook the living crap out of it (literally).

But I've just discovered that not all yeasts must be friggied. See below from some expert yeast Web site:

Cake yeast must be kept refrigerated or frozen because cake yeast is highly perishable. It must be used before the expiration date if stored in the refrigerator, but you have more leeway if stored in the freezer. It has a refrigerated shelf life of about three to four weeks from the date of manufacture and can be frozen up to three months.

I stand corrected, humbled and a little less puffed up. (Ha-ha. Yeast. Get it? Yeast? ... )

November 14, 2008 at 5:44 PM  

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