“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

A conversation with Santa
Saturday, December 20, 2008

Okay, y'all, I'm going to take a break from blogging for the next week or so as I enjoy my visiting family from Colorado, but before I do that I wanted to recount a conversation I had with Santa last night, who stopped by after getting a load of gifts from The Shell Factory in North Fort Myers. To avoid detection, he wore flipflops, khaki shorts and a turquoise Columbia fishing shirt.

Santa: "You say you've been good, Ad, but I see a lot of gin bottles in that recycling bin."

Ad: "Oh, those aren't mine. I have this neighbor who's embarrassed by her drinking, and she brings them over in the middle of the night before recycling day."

Santa: "And you've still got some problems with the lying."

Ad: "Oh, no, not me. ... Say ... you've lost weight, haven't you? You're looking downright FIT!"

Santa, looking down at his immense gut, then checking his list again: "Okay, then ... Well, let's see here. It says you want a case of vermouth-soaked olives. And those would be for ..."

Ad: "Cooking, of course! Oh, man, we LOVE those vermouth-soaked olives on everything: Breakfast cereal, grits, oatmeal. Boy, we sure go through those vermouth-soaked olives. My daughter eats them like candy!"

Santa sighs deeply then folds the list and stows it in his back pocket. He touches my shoulder, an act of concern, and says, "Are things okay, my friend? I mean, I know your only child is going away to college this June. Frankly, I'm a little worried about you. Your wife's a little concerned as well. I mean, I've read your novels. I know you're a control freak who obsesses over his wife's and daughter's needs. I'm thinking you'll need something extra to fill some big, new holes in your life. And I don't think you should be filling those holes with gin. That's just my opinion."

Ad, poking Santa in the stomach. "Oh, man, you are so FUNNY! ... So FUN-NY!!! Don't you need to be going somewhere about now? Yes. I really think you need to be going somewhere about RIGHT NOW!"

Santa: "Look inside yourself, young man."

Ad: "I do that every day, Santa. I'm a writer. I see too much, therefore I drink too much. Bye, now. I said, GOOD BYE!!!!"

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the subtropics
writers sat up in their underwear, drinking gin and tonics ...


1 Comments:

Blogger Kathy Grey said...

I can see this as a new Christmas classic. I think you ought to contact your contacts in Hollywood with the draft and go from there.

And if you don't have any Hollywood contacts, I don't, either.

Merry Christmas, brother. Salut! Next year will be great. Just believe.

December 21, 2008 at 10:22 AM  

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