“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Please, don't be a butthead.
Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sad but true: I was a fat kid with not many friends, but it wasn't my husky-sized pants that made me unpopular. It was the fact that I was the class tattle-tale.

Whenever the teacher had to leave the room she would say, "Now, Ad, I want you to write down the name of everyone who misbehaves while I am gone." ... And you know what? I would actually DO it! And then I'd get the piss pounded out of me at recess.

I don't know why I was chosen for such an awful task. I'm guessing it's because I am known to periodically exude a rigid, judge-like demeanor. I've always believed in following the rules, and I think those who don't follow the rules should be punished. I have fantasized about being Judge Judy, and if I were an 8-year-old again, I would probably play Judge-Judy make-believe.

So, you need to know that I carry a small notebook in my car with the words "Traffic Transgressors" written on the cover. And I write down the license-plate numbers of drivers who do the following:

Flick their cigarette butts outside the window. There's not an intersection in North America that doesn't look like the ashtray from an all-night party of 275,778 chain-smokers.

PHYSICS LESSON: Just because the butt disappears from your own little world (your car) doesn't mean it has disappeared from the planet. 'Might want to re-visit that second law of thermodynamics.

CHEMISTRY LESSON: They may feel nice and soft and cottony, but those butts are made from cellulose acetate, and they biodegrade at about the rate of an abandoned Honda Civic rusting away in a junkyard.

LAW LESSON: Littering is against the law. ... Judge Judy says: GUILTY! Now, I ask you: How hard can it be to EMPTY YOUR ASHTRAY into a trashcan? When I see you toss your butt out the window, here's what it tells me about you: It tells me you're insensitive, ignorant, self-centered and lazy. ... Pardon me now as I crawl down from this soapbox ... there ... okay now ...

I'm thinking of doing what my friend, Gordon in Georgia, once did when he saw a woman toss her butt out the window during a red light. He got out of his car, picked up the butt, and knocked on her window. When she opened it he said in his polite, Southern voice, "Ma'am, I think you dropped something. 'Thought you might want it back."


2 Comments:

Blogger Fran Sanford said...

As another 'by the rules' kind of person, I appreciate your thoughts. Every morning I take a pleasant walk with my dog down a woodsy road near my home. It must be a popular make-out spot due to the amount of discarded debris. Beer cans, bottles, the contents of an entire ashtray stuffed full of butts. Oh how I wish your friend Gordon had been around the night someone tossed a condom from their car window.

June 1, 2010 at 4:12 PM  
Anonymous Shona said...

I have done the VERY same thing your friend Gordon did, except I have done it with garbage. Even though I live in a small community, I swear, someone's gonna punch my lights out one day, but I hate litterbugs worse than anything (well, except for the people that don't pick up after their dogs. There's NO excuse for that either). I've gone up to HUGE men, teenagers, swanked up women in furs - pardon me, but I believe you dropped this? Giving them the benefit of the doubt, as if they did it by accident, which I know full well they did not. I usually have had one of my children with me. Some of them have thanked me, and I've pointed them to the trash can, and watched while they put it in - and use it as a lesson to my child, speaking loud enough so they can hear, "now, see, they put it in the garbage, they weren't trying to be a litterbug and hate the earth. And I'll go on and on." They usually get the point. The teenagers are the worst - and it will be my child that will put them in their place. In his sweet innocence, he'll ask them if they hate the planet so much they have to throw garage on it. They get this look on their face like he sucker punched them. They'll take their garage, apologize to him, and put it in the trash can. There's a valuable lesson to be learned. Now if I can just find out who stretched a condom over the driver's side mirror over my truck - and how come it stretched that far!

June 19, 2010 at 2:59 AM  

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