“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

And I thought I was picky...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This from an editor friend: the amusing submission guidelines for Portland Magazine.

We do not accept poems about cats, guns, cats with guns, or guns used on
cats, however delightful the prospect of the latter would be. We do not
accept poems in which French words suddenly appear, or the poet praises
one or more breasts of his or her acquaintance, including his or her
own. We do not accept poems about God unless the word God does not
appear. We do not accept poems about poems. We do not accept poems about
the artistic process, the arduous nature of eliciting poetry from the
trammeled soul, the agony of poetry, the primacy of poetry among the
written arts, or anything whatsoever to do with poetry. We approach the
reading of poems having to do with nature or landscape warily, but we
have in fact accepted several. We relish poems about sports if they do
not draw any sweeping conclusions about character, personal and/or
national, or use sports as metaphor. We accept poems about insects. We
do not accept poems about religions, unless the religion is reduced to
human proportions, which is where religions all started to begin with,
yes? We accept poems about birds. We accept poems about food. We look
favorably on poems in which wood appears in any form whatsoever. We
accept poems about chess. We do not accept poems about cars and driving
and the vast American yearning and loneliness as represented by cars and
highways. We do not accept poems about poets. We do not accept poets
with poems. We decline to lunch with poets no matter what the ostensible
context for said lunch. We approach lunches with novelists warily,
keeping both hands on the old wallet. We do lunch with essayists. We
decline to meet with artists to see their vast and inchoate portfolios.
We do not publish poems about dance in any form. We decline to meet with
ballerinas past or present. We decline to read or entertain work of any
kind in which the author or artist specifies his or her copyright with
that little copyright mark. We decline to read work from authors or
artists who use only lower-case letters in his or her name(s). We
decline to read submissions from France. We do not accept poems from
cats or indeed from any member of the feline race or his or her agent or


Brian Doyle

Editor, Portland Magazine

University of Portland


Blogger geeky Heather said...

Well, if I ever *had* thought I wanted to read that magazine, this would have certainly changed my mind. Thanks for the PSA! =)

June 14, 2011 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger Maite said...

Taking this to our writer's group. They thought they were a tad particular...particular, not peculiar, though this IS peculiar AND particular.

June 15, 2011 at 9:19 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home