“The ramblings and grumblings of author Ad Hudler”

Can you tell I use a tanning salon? (If you have to ask, the answer is yes.)
Sunday, December 21, 2014

My job is a perfect fit for a fiction writer. As a luxury-hotel concierge I speak with hundreds of people each day -- and, from behind my desk, I watch thousands. I spot patterns and trends and behaviors. During slow times, I dream up back-stories about the people I see.

I've come to realize how adept we humans are at the art of self-deception, all in the name of vanity and self-esteem:

*Remember the Comb-over? The guys who would grow their hair very long on one side of the head, then flip it over the shiny, hairless scalp, covering the bald middle and coming to rest on the other side, like a blanket of hair? Well, the new version of this is called the Stand-up. Guys keep the hair cut short then gel it so it stands on end, as if they've been electrified. (Perhaps this is intended to represent virility?) Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that you're actually accentuating your baldness. You may look in the mirror and see a full head of hair, but what the rest of us see is an act of futility.

*And to those who use tanning beds: Ladies, your skin looks orange-caramel, as if you're glowing from within. It does not resemble a natural tan in the least. It does not say "Palm Beach."  It says, "Tanning Salon in the Strip Mall by the DSW Shoes."

*My own vain lie: I try to suck my gut in most of the day, but I realize from occasional photographs that I am failing miserably at this. (Can the pulling-my-pants-up-to-my-sternum-to-"hide"-my-gut be far behind?) Ditto with my double chin. I have to wear a tie to work, which constricts the flesh of my neck. When I am looking down at the computer, typing, and I feel the attractive guest looking at me, I think, "Well, I've still got it!" But what she's really thinking is: I hope my husband never lets himself go like that."


Blogger Sarah Scott said...

Scanning down my bookmarks, I saw the one for your website and decided to check in on your life. As synchronicity would have it, last night I watched "Grand Hotel" on Netflix. (MGM went all out on what would be the equivalent of an $80m budget today: Garbo! Crawford! Two Barrymores! Sleek deco(r)! And my fav: Before the Code!!)If you haven't seen it, I think you'd find it particularly amusing as a high-falutin' concierge. Juicy material checking in and out every hour. My best to you from up at the Mountain, Sarah

February 1, 2015 at 3:57 PM  

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